Picked Redford in ‘drunken stupor,’ Alberta Tories headed for rehab: Prentice

A group of Alberta Conservatives in rehab thinks about the need for the province to get back in touch with its higher power

Alberta’s embattled Progressive Conservatives will take an immediate break from campaigning for re-election while the entire party goes into rehab, says Premier Designate Jim Prentice.

“We have realized we have a serious problem, and we’re going to do something about it,” said Prentice, now seen by all authorities and experts in Alberta as the answer to both the PCs’ and the province’s problems.

“I wasn’t here when it happened, and thank God for that, but basically the party was in a drunken stupor when it chose Alison Redford as premier,” Mr. Prentice said. “Obviously, we make terrible decisions when we’re under the influence. We’re really sorry but we’re only human. What more can we say?

“We are going to deal with that in rehab to ensure it doesn’t happen again – and I’m here to prove that it won’t – and then we’re going to get back to campaigning for re-election on why it’s essential to Alberta give this party a second chance,” he said.

The unexpected announcement came after the party had already launched a re-election campaign based on the importance of forgiving mistakes and giving second chances to governing parties, as long as they’re not in Manitoba.

Opposition critics complained the move threatens to put Alberta’s business on the back burner while attention focuses once again on the PC Party’s problems. But Prentice said the Tories can’t expect to be forgiven by voters if they don’t deal with their demons in rehab. “We are the Alberta Tories, after all, so we all understand it’s essential for the province for us to be forgiven.

“We’ve had our come-to-Jesus moment,” Prentice added. “Now it’s the voters’ responsibility to come to us.”

Redford was chosen as the Tory leader in October 2011. She was fired by the party’s legislative caucus last month for reasons that have not yet been fully explained.

She was replaced as premier on a temporary basis by former deputy premier Dave Hancock until Mr. Prentice’s appointment as leader can be confirmed by a party ratification vote in September, which was chosen because it’s not October.

Despite recent claims by Hancock that the party is doing better, cabinet ministers have been recorded on several occasions recently behaving and speaking erratically.

However, Prentice’s shocking admission the entire party was in a “drunken stupor” when it chose Redford was a first. Hancock, who was there when it happened, could not be reached for comment.

This just in: Rob Anders to seek Alberta PC leadership

Calgary West MP Rob Anders with a stout man in a badly cut suit shortly before his announcement he would seek the leadership of the Alberta PC Party.

Calgary West Member of Parliament Rob Anders will seek the leadership of the Alberta Progressive Conservative Party, WTF Alberta has learned.

“The Alberta PCs had a ‘temporary Tory’ as a leader and look where it got them,” an Anders spokesperson said this evening. “The party’s future is with a real tax fighter like Mr. Anders.”

“This will be a fight for the soul of the Progressive Conservative Party, and the first thing we need to do is ensure there’s nothing even remotely progressive about it,” said the spokesperson, who could not be identified because he is not authorized to speak in the province of Alberta until he has received his valid driver’s permit in the mail.

“After 17 years in federal politics, Mr. Anders decided just tonight it was time for a new challenge,” the spokesperson said. “With the Wildrose Party in the hands of squishy tax-and-spend Liberals and come-by-chance New Democrats and AUPE members, getting the provincial Tories back on track seemed like the most useful contribution he could make.”

Mr. Anders was napping and could not be reached for comment.