Thursday, April 24, 2014

Post says Prentice still eyeing PC leadership bid: Doomsday Clock moves back

Serious looking scientists from the Bulletin of Alberta Tory Scientists (BATS) expect the Doomsday Clock to move back to 10 minutes to midnight, as illustrated in this photograph, the minute exalted being Jim Prentice announces he is running for the leadership of the PC Party.
The Doomsday Clock has been moved one minute farther from midnight with the publication of another long and hopeful article in the National Post suggesting Jim Prentice will soon announce his intention to run for the leadership of the Alberta Progressive Conservative Party.

According to the respected Bulletin of Alberta Tory Scientists (BATS) – which created the theoretical device after the election as leader of Ralph Klein in 1992 to illustrate how far the PC Dynasty is from political apocalypse – the clock now sits at six minutes to midnight, or, rather, Six Minutes To Midnight.

The clock has been moving rapidly back and forth between two and four minutes to midnight since former premier Alison Redford resigned last month, BATS said, depending on whom the media thought was about to run for the party’s leadership. Before that, it had been stuck at one minute to midnight for almost two years.

The hands of time are moved in accordance with the analyses of a special board of scientists who ponder local and international threats to Tory rule in Alberta, especially those having to do with the leaders of political parties associated with pink flowers and orange fruits, or, south of the U.S. border, grey donkeys.

“For years, it just sat there at about 45 minutes to midnight, no one is sure why,” BATS said in its latest article, published yesterday.

According to the National Post, if Mr. Prentice really does run, the Clock could be pushed all the way back to 50 minutes to midnight. The banker and former federal Conservative, the newspaper said, “is simply the best person in the world, period. He’s really an exalted being, and you really don’t need to know anything more than that.”

“Alberta Tories can choose Mr. Prentice, or they can be cast into utter darkness for all of eternity,” the Post concluded in its commentary on the change in the Doomsday Clock. “The choice is theirs, and the Clock is ticking!"

Saturday, April 19, 2014

‘Calgary School’ to become centre of world’s newest religion – ‘Econotology’

The “Sacred Arch of The Market” at the world headquarters of the Church of Econotology, formerly known as “The Calgary School.”

 The “Calgary School” at the University of Calgary has been chosen to be headquarters of the new world’s newest religion, whose followers boast they had numerous influential worshippers in major universities and governments throughout the world even before the new faith was formally named.

“Econotology’s” doctrines were given to Humankind by the Supreme Being of the Universe, which is today known as The Market, through a group of religious scholars who practiced their beliefs in remote mountain villages in Europe just southeast of Germany, explained a spokesperson for the new religion.

For this reason, the founders of the faith are known as “the Austrians,” said the spokesperson, who could not be identified because of his senior but nevertheless unidentified role as a campaign advisor to a well-known Alberta political party.

“But really, we’ve been around since the beginning of time, secure in our faith in The Almighty Market,” noted the spokesperson, who said Econotology combines the best aspects of all great religions, with none of the bad stuff expect for when it’s necessary to win elections in countries with a misplaced faith in democracy.

“We’re working on fixing that,” he said. “But it takes time.”

“I can tell you now that the Canadian prime minister and many of his closest advisors are among our most enthusiastic followers, and we are very hopeful Econotology will soon be adopted as Canada’s state religion,” the spokesperson added. “For all intents and purposes, it already has been.”

“Canada will just be one of the first, however,” the spokesperson said. “We are already well on our way to becoming a true world religion.

“We’re fortunate that the ‘Vatican’ of the Church of Econotology will be the beautiful University of Calgary campus,” he added. “And if you like buying cheap electronic goods or selling petroleum, that’s lucky too, because in Alberta every day is the Sabbath.”

Econotology insiders, however, say that while Alberta was chosen early as the best place for the new faith’s spiritual home, there was a fierce fight between universities in Calgary and Edmonton for the right to be headquarters of the new religion.

“Unfortunately for Edmonton,” the spokesperson said, “the University of Alberta’s Peter Lougheed Leadership Institute is still just a twinkle in Indira Samarasekera’s eye. The Calgary School has been there, like, forever!”

Alberta was also a natural to be chosen Econotology’s spiritual headquarters, the spokesperson added, because the Garden of Eden is now known to have been located just west of Calgary, near the community of Bragg Creek.

Despite its historical role in the development of Econotology, the University of Chicago wasn’t considered as the church’s base because another religion already claims the Garden of Eden was located in Missouri, which is right next door, he explained.

Despite the name, he added, Econotology has nothing to do with ecology or the environment: “It’s nice that the name makes it sound all ecological and green and everything, but the only thing green about this religion is U.S. dollars.”

Saturday, April 12, 2014

This just in: Rob Anders to seek Alberta PC leadership

Calgary West MP Rob Anders with a stout man in a badly cut suit shortly before his announcement he would seek the leadership of the Alberta PC Party.
Calgary West Member of Parliament Rob Anders will seek the leadership of the Alberta Progressive Conservative Party, WTF Alberta has learned.

“The Alberta PCs had a ‘temporary Tory’ as a leader and look where it got them,” an Anders spokesperson said this evening. “The party’s future is with a real tax fighter like Mr. Anders.”

“This will be a fight for the soul of the Progressive Conservative Party, and the first thing we need to do is ensure there’s nothing even remotely progressive about it,” said the spokesperson, who could not be identified because he is not authorized to speak in the province of Alberta until he has received his valid driver’s permit in the mail.

“After 17 years in federal politics, Mr. Anders decided just tonight it was time for a new challenge,” the spokesperson said. “With the Wildrose Party in the hands of squishy tax-and-spend Liberals and come-by-chance New Democrats and AUPE members, getting the provincial Tories back on track seemed like the most useful contribution he could make.”

Mr. Anders was napping and could not be reached for comment.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Redford sighting, alleged Twitter messages spark hope former premier will emerge from hiding

Mystery woman in iconic photo identified at last: It’s Alison Redford. But who is the guy with the guitar?

A possible sighting of Calgary-Elbow MLA Alison Redford and several messages sent from a Twitter account some observers believe Ms. Redford owns have raised the prospect the former premier will soon emerge from hiding.

Redford disappeared about two weeks ago and had not been seen or heard from until yesterday, when claims surfaced she had been spotted in Calgary on her way to “a private audience” in the southern Alberta city.

A spokesperson for the Calgary Police Service said in a statement investigators are trying to confirm the sighting. “We are being pestered by a group calling itself the Alison Sightings Society (ASS), and we encourage everyone just to calm down until our investigators have an opportunity to check this out,” the spokesperson said.

“We don’t want anyone to be disappointed if this turns out just to be imaginary or someone else who looks a little like Ms. Redford,” he added. “If this is true, it will be the first audience she has given since she was the Leader.”

Also yesterday, a message from a Twitter account believed by social media experts to belong to Ms. Redford expressed happiness at the replacement of American Late Night TV host David Letterman by funnyman Stephen Colbert. “I’m looking forward to watching,” the message said in part.

At the time, social media experts were skeptical the communication had actually been sent by Ms. Redford, who is known to have a giant intellect. “She’s a very brainy person who thinks big thoughts about the law, politics and the future of humankind,” said one expert. “This sounded more like something Tweeted by a teenager.”

Since then, however, several messages equally inconsequential but more serious in tone have led several experts to the conclusion Ms. Redford is actually sending the short statements herself for reasons that have not yet been fully explained. “It’s a mystery, and it may be some kind of code,” said one.

A radical fringe group of the ASS movement apparently agrees. “We’re not sure what she’s trying to tell us, but we hope it means she’ll soon be back among us,” said an unidentified member of the Alison’s Still Premier (ASP) Faction.

“Nothing’s changed in the government’s policies,” the ASP Faction member stated. “So what makes anyone think Alison isn’t still the premier?”

Monday, April 7, 2014

Alberta PCs adopt ‘negative option candidacy’ for leadership race

AUPE President Guy Smith with a familiar-looking woman, thought to be a government official.
All members of the Alberta Progressive Conservative Legislative caucus will be considered applicants for the party leadership unless they sign a declaration stating they do not intend to run, the party executive has decreed.

“The Progressive Conservative Association of Alberta has adopted ‘negative option leadership candidacy,’” the party said in a statement this afternoon. “Unless you say you’re not running, you’re a candidate.”

Under the “presumed consent” rule adopted by the party, the statement said, every caucus member is automatically considered to be a candidate unless they have specifically opted out in writing or have actually died.

“I have to tell you, including death as a reason for opting out was pretty controversial,” a spokesperson said. “There were those who thought we should try to find a way to bring back Ralph Klein, who we’re pretty sure could still beat the Wildrose Party!”

“Of course, we also welcome candidates who are not members of caucus, like Guy Smith,” said the spokesperson, who couldn’t be identified because no one wants to be identified with the Alberta Tories right now.

Smith, president of the 80,000-member Alberta Union of Provincial Employees, said in a statement on the union’s website on April 1 that he planned to join this summer’s PC leadership race. The story was clearly marked “April Fools.”

However, the PC spokesperson said: “April Fools or not, we consider Mr. Smith a candidate, and since he has access to union funds, we figure he can make the $50,000 payment.”

“This is a good thing because we need it pretty bad,” the spokesman said. “I don’t even know if we’d be prepared to let him back out with a notarized statement or something like that at this point!”

Saturday, April 5, 2014

National Gallery buys Stephen Harper portrait by George W. Bush

Artist George W. Bush’s portrait of Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, which was done in oils or acrylics or something.
The National Gallery of Canada has purchased a portrait of Prime Minister Stephen Harper from a collection of paintings of world leaders by former U.S. President George W. Bush for an undisclosed but “significant” sum.

“Very soon, Canadians will have an opportunity to view this important painting of one of our country’s greatest prime ministers, by George W. Bush, the most important U.S. political leader of our generation,” the National Gallery of Canada said in a news release. “The portrait will be on permanent display near the entrance of the National Gallery in Ottawa.

“We are very pleased to have acquired this historic portrait of a great Canadian painted by such an influential American,” the news release continued. “Clearly Mr. Bush is as good a painter as he was a president.”

In addition, the National Gallery said, it is in negotiations to exhibit the entire display of Bush’s portraiture – “The Art of Leadership: A President’s Personal Diplomacy” – when the current exhibition at the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum in Dallas, Tex., ends in early June.

Known for his contributions to U.S. political life, foreign affairs and business, the artist (who was born in 1946) is best known for his controversial self-portrait reclining in a bathtub.

Bush started painting in 2012 after reading a book about Sir Winston Churchill, a British politician who painted for relaxation in the 1940s.

“I wanted to present an authoritarian image of the people I admired when I was the Decider,” Bush said in notes to the exhibition. “You did a heckuva job, Harpy!”