Unions good at improving wages, workplace safety? That’s why have laws against them!

What would be the fun of owning a Porsche like this if all the poor Albertans got to drive Porsches too? I mean, seriously?

A spokesperson for the Alberta Ministry of Jobs, Skills, Training and Labour says there’s no way the province will step away from policies that reduce unionization and restrict collective bargaining just because unions play an important role in improving wages and workplace safety and reducing inequality.

“You idiots! That’s why we have those laws,” said the spokesperson, who could not be identified because he was afraid that if it got out he’d been talking to the media without authorization he’d be summarily fired and not even let back into the building to get his stuff.

The study released today by the Parkland Institute at the University of Alberta, called “On the job: Why Unions Matter in Alberta,” shows that unions have a positive impact in such areas as rights for young workers, decreasing income inequality, making workplaces safer, and even improving life for non-union workers.

“Are they insane? Increasing wages costs employers money, and we’re just not going to allow that to happen in Alberta,” said the spokesperson. “Don’t they understand that stuff like safer workplaces costs money too? What are they, a bunch of Commies?”

As for income inequality, the spokesperson said, the Albertans who really matter like it that way. “What’s the fun of racing around in a Porsche if everyone else is racing around in Porsches too? Lots of money and tons of cool stuff only gets you so far if you can’t push around the working poor – and tailgate their Hyundais!”

Jobs, Skills, Training and Labour Minister Thomas Lukaszuk could not be reached for comment because he was too busy campaigning to lead the Alberta Tory Party and bring in even more restrictions on unions and the rights of working people.

“There’s a sound policy reason Mr. Lukaszuk has made sure we have pretty much the lowest minimum wage in the country,” the spokesperson said. “Prosperity! And he’s obviously hoping those Albertans who get to enjoy prosperity are real happy about it, because he needs $50,000 to run for the leadership, like, right now!”