Friday, August 1, 2014

From bad to worse: CBC may have uncovered ‘ghost MLAs’ in Alberta Legislature, source says

The government benches in the Alberta Legislature.
CBC journalists are conducting an investigation into whether several Alberta Progressive Conservative Members of the Legislative Assembly actually exist or are just “false MLAs” nominated and elected using fictitious names, WTF Alberta has learned.

“Everett McDonald? Genia Leskiw? Sohail Quadri? Do these people even exist?” asked the source deep within the national broadcaster, who could not be identified because it’s the CBC that does the identifying. “We’re checking, but, seriously, has anybody actually ever met any of these people?”

The source said any scheme to run Progressive Conservative candidates with fake names and made-up resumes would have to be much more elaborate that the plot cooked up by former Premier Alison Redford’s office staff to book “false passengers” on government flights, which was also uncovered by the CBC. The “ghost riders’” reservations were cancelled at the last moment so the premier could fly in privacy.

“It was pretty obvious that the names on the flight manifests like D. Duck, K. Marx and W. Gretzky weren’t real people,” said the source. “Whereas, with real sounding names like Ron Casey and Linda Johnson, who can be sure?”

“We’re starting to think we’ve uncovered a scandal of unprecedented proportions in legislative history, anywhere,” the source said, adding, however, that the CBC is still not certain. “We thought Dave Rodney might be another one, but it turns out he’s actually in cabinet and people have seen him.”

“We’re still working on how imaginary MLAs’ votes could be recorded,” the source added. “We have a better theory for how they get elected. Basically, Alberta voters will cast a ballot for anyone with the word ‘Conservative’ beside their name. This explains Murray Smith’s political career.”

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Get lost Oxfam! Canada’s not about to start arguing with God: CRA

Listen up, Canada. Jesus said, the poor will always be with you. They’ll just have to make their own pancakes, according to the CRA.
The Canada Revenue Agency has told a well-known charity that it can no longer try to prevent poverty around the world if it wants to keep its charitable status for tax purposes because ending poverty would violate a law of God.

In a letter to Oxfam Canada, which had hoped to renew its non-profit status, the CRA told the agency: “Jesus said, ‘The poor will always be with you.’ That sounds like pretty clear English to us, and if English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it ought to be good enough for Oxfam Canada!

“You may want to argue with God, but the CRA isn’t about to let that happen,” added the spokesperson, who could not be identified because he is not authorized to quote scripture without an interpreter from the Prime Minister’s Office present. “Not in Canada, anyway.”

“If your goal is to eliminate poverty, then you’re trying to contradict the word of Jesus, and that is obviously a sin,” he explained. “The Harper Government does not encourage sin, at least not sin of that kind.”

The spokesperson added: “On matters like this, Prime Minister Harper thinks you should ask yourself, ‘What would Jesus do?’ I’ll tell you what Jesus would do. He was an unemployed non-union carpenter! He’d be praying for his father to get him a job on the Northern Gateway Pipeline! Or in the mailroom at Imperial Oil if foreign environmentalists had managed to keep the pipeline from being built.”

Asked the story Jesus handed out loaves and fishes, the spokesperson responded with a chuckle: “Who told you he did that? Some Communist from the United Church? I don’t think Jesus would do anything that encouraged taxpayers to become dependent on handouts!”

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Canada to dump ‘Liberal’ maple leaf flag in major ‘re-branding,’ PM says

Canada’s new national flag! God save the Queen!
Canada will drop its distinctive Maple Leaf Flag and resume using the Red Ensign, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced today.

“Renaming the air force the Royal Canadian Air Force and spending a few million dollars on new pips and crowns for the Army and brass loops for the Royal Canadian Navy has been really great for morale,” Harper said in an impromptu news conference in Ottawa.

“It’s a wonderful reminder of our glorious colonial past that strengthens the link between today's service members and the previous generations of heroes who bravely served our country,” Harper told reporters. “So we thought, why shouldn’t all Canadians have a morale boost like that?”

The prime minister added: “Anyway, I just don’t feel as good about the Americans since they threw Conrad Black in jail and put a guy who’s practically a socialist in the White House. Since I’m Canada’s decider, I decided that if the Red Ensign was good enough to be Canada’s flag through two world wars, it was good enough to be our flag now. Plus, it wasn’t designed by a Liberal!”

The Red Ensign will be made Canada’s official flag as soon as Parliament meets again in the fall, while his majority government is still intact, Harper said.

“And if we manage to get another majority after that, we’re thinking of making God Save the Queen the national anthem,” he concluded. “We’re completely re-branding Canada."

All Canadians over the age of 12 will be given a gorget to celebrate the change in flag, the Harper Government said in a news release.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

America’s Canada meddling ‘has to stop’ president warns as Russia ponders crisis

One of the 411,000 heavily armed U.S. troops waiting within kilometres of the Canadian border faces off against a Canadian police officer.
Russia is sending additional troops to its Arctic region as part of its response to U.S. aggression against Canada and President Vladimir Putin says his government is looking at making a bigger long-term defence commitment to the region to guard against U.S. President Barack Obama’s “menace and expansionism.”

Officials in the Kremlin say the United States has amassed more than 411,000 troops in the 15 U.S. states that share a boundary with Canada. Despite repeated claims the United States has no interest in Canada, President Putin said, Russian satellites have observed no indication any of those troops are being moved away from the border.

“Many of their 112 encampments along the border have taken on the appearance of permanent bases,” he observed. “They keep saying they have no interest in Canada, but if that’s so, why do they need 400,00 soldiers, sailors and airmen crowded right up against Canada?”

“There are several large formations that are remaining and they have not reduced their presence in any way. Some portion of the force looks like it intends to remain,” Putin added.

“This meddling has to stop,” Putin told reporters. “We have only 40,000 troops close to the Ukrainian border, one tenth as many, and there’s an actual civil war going on there. As far as we can see, nothing much like that is happening in Canada right now. So why all the soldiers?”

The Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, who is travelling abroad, was unavailable for comment.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Prentice sets himself apart with offer to save taxpayers money by continuing to collect bank salary

Alberta Tory leadership candidate Jim Prentice with his airplane, which was not supplied by the government, and which he can afford because he’s well paid by the Bank of Commerce, thanks very much!
Clearly setting himself apart from other Alberta Tory leadership candidates, frontrunner Jim Prentice has announced that if he is chosen by party members in September he will continue to collect his Canadian Imperial Bank of Canada salary while he is premier.

That way, Mr. Prentice explained, he will be in a position to charge the people of Alberta only $1 a year for his services and still live in a fashion that is appropriate for a Conservative first minister. “Also, I make a hell of a lot more as a bank vice-president than I will as premier, so this is a win-win for everyone!”

As for the other candidates, Prentice said, “they will cost you tens of thousands of dollars every year just for pay and benefits, and I won’t cost a cent – well, actually 100 cents, but no more.

“And that doesn’t even count the savings I’ll be able to generate through my access to the CIBC's financial experts and advisors, who are among the best in Canada,” he added.

“Really, the synergies between the banking industry and running a large, complex government like Alberta’s are just huge, so the spin-off benefits for the people of Alberta will really be terrific,” Prentice said. He also noted: “What’s more, the NDP will never again get to complain about me taking helicopter rides at taxpayer expense because the bank will be happy to buy me my own helicopter.”

“This is just a great deal for the people of Alberta and, if I may say so myself, a real selling point for my offer to help out by running the province,” Prentice said.

“Also, it means I won't be in a big hurry to get on a corporate board as soon as I leave office, which seems to be the pattern with most other Alberta cabinet members, especially premiers like I’m going to be,” he concluded.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Unions good at improving wages, workplace safety? That’s why have laws against them!

What would be the fun of owning a Porsche like this if all the poor Albertans got to drive Porsches too? I mean, seriously?
A spokesperson for the Alberta Ministry of Jobs, Skills, Training and Labour says there’s no way the province will step away from policies that reduce unionization and restrict collective bargaining just because unions play an important role in improving wages and workplace safety and reducing inequality.

“You idiots! That’s why we have those laws,” said the spokesperson, who could not be identified because he was afraid that if it got out he’d been talking to the media without authorization he’d be summarily fired and not even let back into the building to get his stuff.

The study released today by the Parkland Institute at the University of Alberta, called “On the job: Why Unions Matter in Alberta,” shows that unions have a positive impact in such areas as rights for young workers, decreasing income inequality, making workplaces safer, and even improving life for non-union workers.

“Are they insane? Increasing wages costs employers money, and we’re just not going to allow that to happen in Alberta,” said the spokesperson. “Don’t they understand that stuff like safer workplaces costs money too? What are they, a bunch of Commies?”

As for income inequality, the spokesperson said, the Albertans who really matter like it that way. “What’s the fun of racing around in a Porsche if everyone else is racing around in Porsches too? Lots of money and tons of cool stuff only gets you so far if you can’t push around the working poor – and tailgate their Hyundais!”

Jobs, Skills, Training and Labour Minister Thomas Lukaszuk could not be reached for comment because he was too busy campaigning to lead the Alberta Tory Party and bring in even more restrictions on unions and the rights of working people.

“There’s a sound policy reason Mr. Lukaszuk has made sure we have pretty much the lowest minimum wage in the country,” the spokesperson said. “Prosperity! And he’s obviously hoping those Albertans who get to enjoy prosperity are real happy about it, because he needs $50,000 to run for the leadership, like, right now!”

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Plans announced for ‘inner-city neighbourhood mega-school’

Artist’s rendering of the planned “inner-city neighbourhood mega-school” in Edmonton.

The Edmonton Public School Board, Alberta Education and the City of Edmonton are calling on more than a dozen inner-city communities in the capital city to close their schools and relocate classes into a huge “inner-city neighbourhood mega-school” in the former Rexall Place arena.

When the project is finished, Rexall Place will have become “the largest one-room schoolhouse in the world,” boasted a spokesperson for the private sector consortium managing the megaproject.

Lessons will be projected to students from grades K-12 in the bleachers via a special “Pedagogical Jumbotron” now being developed by school board technicians.

PC Education Minister Jeff Johnson hailed the cost savings expected from consolidation of all lessons in one location and the resulting reduction of the number of teachers needed.

“Obviously, this will also make it a lot easier to test and recertify the few teachers we do keep every five years or so, and to find new ones to replace the ones we have to let go for underperformance,” he said. “And we’ve never seen any reason why students can’t learn in large classes.”

“We expect this consolidation to be as big a success as Alberta Health Services,” he said.

Edmonton mayor Don Iveson expressed delight with the plan. “Quite frankly, Rexall Place was going to be a really embarrassing white elephant until this idea came along, what with the new arena we’re building for the Oilers on the other side of the LRT tracks.”

“I’m not saying it’s on the on the wrong side of the tracks, mind you,” Iveson added. “There is no wrong side of the tracks in Edmonton. Just two sides. And City Council is not taking sides.”

The Wildrose Opposition also praised the plan. Said leader Danielle Smith: “As soon as we’re the government, which will be pretty soon, we expect, we’ll give the old schools away to the charter schools we plan to set up. So there’s something in this for everyone!”

A spokesperson for the Alberta Teachers Association refused to comment on the plan. “We’ve been advised by our lawyers that this might be construed as an illegal strike under Bill 45, and we’d be fined a million dollars a day, so, sorry,” he whispered before abruptly hanging up.