Prentice sets himself apart with offer to save taxpayers money by continuing to collect bank salary

Alberta Tory leadership candidate Jim Prentice with his airplane, which was not supplied by the government, and which he can afford because he’s well paid by the Bank of Commerce, thanks very much!

Clearly setting himself apart from other Alberta Tory leadership candidates, frontrunner Jim Prentice has announced that if he is chosen by party members in September he will continue to collect his Canadian Imperial Bank of Canada salary while he is premier.

That way, Mr. Prentice explained, he will be in a position to charge the people of Alberta only $1 a year for his services and still live in a fashion that is appropriate for a Conservative first minister. “Also, I make a hell of a lot more as a bank vice-president than I will as premier, so this is a win-win for everyone!”

As for the other candidates, Prentice said, “they will cost you tens of thousands of dollars every year just for pay and benefits, and I won’t cost a cent – well, actually 100 cents, but no more.

“And that doesn’t even count the savings I’ll be able to generate through my access to the CIBC's financial experts and advisors, who are among the best in Canada,” he added.

“Really, the synergies between the banking industry and running a large, complex government like Alberta’s are just huge, so the spin-off benefits for the people of Alberta will really be terrific,” Prentice said. He also noted: “What’s more, the NDP will never again get to complain about me taking helicopter rides at taxpayer expense because the bank will be happy to buy me my own helicopter.”

“This is just a great deal for the people of Alberta and, if I may say so myself, a real selling point for my offer to help out by running the province,” Prentice said.

“Also, it means I won't be in a big hurry to get on a corporate board as soon as I leave office, which seems to be the pattern with most other Alberta cabinet members, especially premiers like I’m going to be,” he concluded.

Unions good at improving wages, workplace safety? That’s why have laws against them!

What would be the fun of owning a Porsche like this if all the poor Albertans got to drive Porsches too? I mean, seriously?

A spokesperson for the Alberta Ministry of Jobs, Skills, Training and Labour says there’s no way the province will step away from policies that reduce unionization and restrict collective bargaining just because unions play an important role in improving wages and workplace safety and reducing inequality.

“You idiots! That’s why we have those laws,” said the spokesperson, who could not be identified because he was afraid that if it got out he’d been talking to the media without authorization he’d be summarily fired and not even let back into the building to get his stuff.

The study released today by the Parkland Institute at the University of Alberta, called “On the job: Why Unions Matter in Alberta,” shows that unions have a positive impact in such areas as rights for young workers, decreasing income inequality, making workplaces safer, and even improving life for non-union workers.

“Are they insane? Increasing wages costs employers money, and we’re just not going to allow that to happen in Alberta,” said the spokesperson. “Don’t they understand that stuff like safer workplaces costs money too? What are they, a bunch of Commies?”

As for income inequality, the spokesperson said, the Albertans who really matter like it that way. “What’s the fun of racing around in a Porsche if everyone else is racing around in Porsches too? Lots of money and tons of cool stuff only gets you so far if you can’t push around the working poor – and tailgate their Hyundais!”

Jobs, Skills, Training and Labour Minister Thomas Lukaszuk could not be reached for comment because he was too busy campaigning to lead the Alberta Tory Party and bring in even more restrictions on unions and the rights of working people.

“There’s a sound policy reason Mr. Lukaszuk has made sure we have pretty much the lowest minimum wage in the country,” the spokesperson said. “Prosperity! And he’s obviously hoping those Albertans who get to enjoy prosperity are real happy about it, because he needs $50,000 to run for the leadership, like, right now!”

Plans announced for ‘inner-city neighbourhood mega-school’

Artist’s rendering of the planned “inner-city neighbourhood mega-school” in Edmonton.

The Edmonton Public School Board, Alberta Education and the City of Edmonton are calling on more than a dozen inner-city communities in the capital city to close their schools and relocate classes into a huge “inner-city neighbourhood mega-school” in the former Rexall Place arena.

When the project is finished, Rexall Place will have become “the largest one-room schoolhouse in the world,” boasted a spokesperson for the private sector consortium managing the megaproject.

Lessons will be projected to students from grades K-12 in the bleachers via a special “Pedagogical Jumbotron” now being developed by school board technicians.

PC Education Minister Jeff Johnson hailed the cost savings expected from consolidation of all lessons in one location and the resulting reduction of the number of teachers needed.

“Obviously, this will also make it a lot easier to test and recertify the few teachers we do keep every five years or so, and to find new ones to replace the ones we have to let go for underperformance,” he said. “And we’ve never seen any reason why students can’t learn in large classes.”

“We expect this consolidation to be as big a success as Alberta Health Services,” he said.

Edmonton mayor Don Iveson expressed delight with the plan. “Quite frankly, Rexall Place was going to be a really embarrassing white elephant until this idea came along, what with the new arena we’re building for the Oilers on the other side of the LRT tracks.”

“I’m not saying it’s on the on the wrong side of the tracks, mind you,” Iveson added. “There is no wrong side of the tracks in Edmonton. Just two sides. And City Council is not taking sides.”

The Wildrose Opposition also praised the plan. Said leader Danielle Smith: “As soon as we’re the government, which will be pretty soon, we expect, we’ll give the old schools away to the charter schools we plan to set up. So there’s something in this for everyone!”

A spokesperson for the Alberta Teachers Association refused to comment on the plan. “We’ve been advised by our lawyers that this might be construed as an illegal strike under Bill 45, and we’d be fined a million dollars a day, so, sorry,” he whispered before abruptly hanging up.

Picked Redford in ‘drunken stupor,’ Alberta Tories headed for rehab: Prentice

A group of Alberta Conservatives in rehab thinks about the need for the province to get back in touch with its higher power

Alberta’s embattled Progressive Conservatives will take an immediate break from campaigning for re-election while the entire party goes into rehab, says Premier Designate Jim Prentice.

“We have realized we have a serious problem, and we’re going to do something about it,” said Prentice, now seen by all authorities and experts in Alberta as the answer to both the PCs’ and the province’s problems.

“I wasn’t here when it happened, and thank God for that, but basically the party was in a drunken stupor when it chose Alison Redford as premier,” Mr. Prentice said. “Obviously, we make terrible decisions when we’re under the influence. We’re really sorry but we’re only human. What more can we say?

“We are going to deal with that in rehab to ensure it doesn’t happen again – and I’m here to prove that it won’t – and then we’re going to get back to campaigning for re-election on why it’s essential to Alberta give this party a second chance,” he said.

The unexpected announcement came after the party had already launched a re-election campaign based on the importance of forgiving mistakes and giving second chances to governing parties, as long as they’re not in Manitoba.

Opposition critics complained the move threatens to put Alberta’s business on the back burner while attention focuses once again on the PC Party’s problems. But Prentice said the Tories can’t expect to be forgiven by voters if they don’t deal with their demons in rehab. “We are the Alberta Tories, after all, so we all understand it’s essential for the province for us to be forgiven.

“We’ve had our come-to-Jesus moment,” Prentice added. “Now it’s the voters’ responsibility to come to us.”

Redford was chosen as the Tory leader in October 2011. She was fired by the party’s legislative caucus last month for reasons that have not yet been fully explained.

She was replaced as premier on a temporary basis by former deputy premier Dave Hancock until Mr. Prentice’s appointment as leader can be confirmed by a party ratification vote in September, which was chosen because it’s not October.

Despite recent claims by Hancock that the party is doing better, cabinet ministers have been recorded on several occasions recently behaving and speaking erratically.

However, Prentice’s shocking admission the entire party was in a “drunken stupor” when it chose Redford was a first. Hancock, who was there when it happened, could not be reached for comment.